A random client once told me, “When you lose someone you love, you’ll actually never be the same. The pain is always there but you evolve into something more, to someone aligned with the memory of how your loved one wants you to live your life.”
I lost my Dad on the eve of my birthday this year. I now know the client’s words to be true. As Christmas comes though, a flood of memories tap into my everydays. Christmas memories specifically playback in my mind. The classic “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” by Ray Coniff is more sharply provocative of childhood memories with my father. Every time I see a classic Christmas photo, it exacts how I remember Christmases with him and the family. The fireplace, the big tree, simple Christmas dinner.
When he passed away, his words to me became more vivid and fresh. “Support your husband.” “Take care of the children.” “Go beyond your daily needs and continue to dream.” “Love your mom.” “Take care of the business.” I miss him a lot and there are moments of shoulda, woulda, coulda but I realize as I live everyday, he has never been more alive in my heart than today.
I look at my husband and children and I see him through them as well. And raising the family has become more meaningful. As a wife and a parent, I try to be better. And as Christmas comes once again, it is important to create memories for the children so that someday, they may carry in their hearts a picture of a warm, loving Christmas built on love and affection.
As Christmas comes this year, I know there’s a certain longing and loneliness that will come with it but with it, everything becomes more special and meaningful.